Family Meetings - Podcast
Posted by Dr. Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen-Tamborski on 7/11/2011
Family Meetings Podcast
Several years ago some Adlerians recorded a bunch of family meetings in different families. For two years they looked for the perfect family meeting. Finally they gave up because they couldn't find a perfect family meeting. However, they were delighted with the positive results in families (more effective communication, focusing on solutions, having more fun together) even though their meetings were not perfect.
Keeping in mind that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn, the biggest mistake parents made that kept the meetings from coming closer to perfection was talking too much. Children are not thrilled about family meetings that provide another platform for parents to lecture. Parents need to talk less and listen more. Yes, I know how difficult this isIm still working on it. Somehow we parents think we arent doing our jobs unless we are talking, talking, talking.
Another mistake was trying to fix feelings (or to try talking children out of having their feelings) instead of just listening. Sometimes it can be encouraging to validate feelings, but try validating feelings with you lips together, "Mmmmm." This allows children to discover that they can work through their feelings and learn from them.
It is most effective to have family meetings once a week and to stick to an allotted time of 20 to 30 minuteseven if everything on the agenda has not been covered. This just might help your children learn "delayed gratification." Also, it gives them time to absorb what was discussed during the meeting, to try the agreed upon solution, and to practice working things out for themselves in between meetings. Family meetings are one of the most important tools parents can use to teach children so many valuable social and life skills such as:
- Brainstorming skills
- Problem-solving skills
- Mutual respect
- The value of cooling off before solving a problem. (Problems are put on the family meeting agenda so a cooling off period takes place before focusing on solutions to the challenge.)
- Concern for others
- Accountability in a safe environment. (People dont worry about admitting mistakes when they know they will be supported to find solutions instead of experiencing blame, shame, or pain.)
- How to choose solutions that are respectful to everyone concerned
- A sense of belonging and significance
- Social interest
- That mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn
- Having fun together as a family
Family Meetings provide an opportunity for parents to:
- Avoid power struggles by respectfully sharing control
- Avoid micromanaging children, so children learn self-discipline
- Listen in ways that invite children to listen
- Respectfully share responsibility
- Create good memories through a family tradition
- Model all of the skills they want their children to learn
Where else can you get so much for such a small investment in time? Family meetings provide a wonderful family tradition that may carry on for generations. A funny story about that: my children loved family meetings when they were six to twelve or so. Then they started complaining, as typical teens do, about how stupid family meetings were. I asked them to humor me, and that we could shorten the time from 30 minutes to 15 minutes.
One day Mary, one of the complainers, spent the night at a friends house. The next day she announced, That family is so screwed up. They should be having family meetings.
When Mary went off to college, she initiated regular family meetings with her roommates and said they would not have survived without them. Now you she shares her experience of involving four-year-old Greyson in his first family meeting.
What do you do when a child does not want to participate?
My twins are 5-1/2 years old. They attend a school which uses Responsive Classroom and they love morning meetings. But at home (yes we do talk too much, many mistakes in our so far two meetings) one of my boys resists attending. I tell him he is a critical part of the family and that we need him. Have got him to the last two meetings, but am anticipating further resistance. I don't want to leave him out - what to do?
Try including planning for "Special Time" in the family meeting. My kids look forward to our family meetings because they get to plan some special time with Dad! My kids are teenagers and they still want that special one on one time.
Also, admit your mistake to your kids (talking too much) and let them know you want to learn from your mistakes and you want to hear what they have to say. Also, don't put your concerns on the agenda. Encourage them to put items on the agenda when they have a challenge. If there are not any items on the agenda do compliments and planning for special time as Brad suggests--and then do something for fun. Eventually they may start putting items on the agenda and will be interested in participating.