Whack-A-Mole Parenting is an odd thing. Just about the time it starts to feel easy, your kids grow up and move out. There have been many times in the years since my son started college that I’ve wanted to tell him, “You have to come back—I’m so much better at this now!”

One of my clients was telling me about her struggles with a difficult parenting challenge recently and she groaned in frustration. “I’ve been working on this forever,” she said with a deep sigh, “and just when I think I’ve finally figured it out, it happens all over again.”

I know exactly what she means. Parenting is like a gigantic game of “whack-a-mole.” You whack a problem here, and it pops up over there. You whack it there, and it moves again. Sometimes you can go for days or weeks without losing your temper, yelling, or doing that thing you hate to do—and then, just when you relax your guard, whack! There it is again.

I’m not sure anyone ever masters the art of parenting. There’s always something new to learn. I’m now 53 and my son is in his second year of graduate school; he lives in another city and I miss him every day. I no longer need to worry about homework, chores, allowance, or other day-to-day challenges. Now almost 24, my “little boy” manages his money, cooks, cleans, and runs his life and relationships quite well without any advice from his mother, although he still loves to call and fill me in on his latest ad ventures.

I am still working on finding the right balance between connection and independence. At some point, I suppose I’ll need to work on getting along with his future partner and perhaps, one day way off in the future, being a good grandma. My own mother still worries about me and has been known to remind me to wear a sweater when I go home for a visit. I don’t suppose parenting ever really ends.

We talk often about being patient with children, understanding their developmental stages and temperaments, and giving them room to grow and learn. We talk about having faith in them, encouraging the positive things they try to do, and staying connected even when it’s a struggle or they push our buttons. But there’s someone else you need to be patient with, someone who needs faith and encouragement every bit as much as your children do. That person is you.

In our Positive Discipline books we teach that mistakes are nothing but opportunities to learn. Thank goodness, because I’ve made so many of the darned things! Still, it gets frustrating to come face to face on a daily basis with your own imperfections. Most parents get up each morning with the intent to do their very best, to be patient, loving, and kind, and to follow through when necessary.

I have yet to meet a parent, including some who have made serious mistakes, who does not love his or her child. And most of us go right on playing whack-a-mole every single day, hammering down those persistent problems each time they pop up and hoping somehow that tomorrow will be different.

No matter how hard you try, you will never be a perfect parent. Your child won’t be a perfect child, either—and that’s okay. Your child doesn’t need you to be perfect; he just needs you to keep on whacking that mole, doing your best to be kind and firm, to stay connected, and to be willing to learn from each and every mistake.

Remember, too, that when you can treat yourself with kindness and gentleness, your child (who watches everything you do) can learn to do the same. Wouldn’t it be nice if all of us could learn to laugh at our mistakes and those of your partners and children, to accept our own humanity, and to dust ourselves off when we fall and try again without shame, blame, lectures, or judgments?

I think I have finally accepted the sad truth that I will never be a particularly patient person—but I have learned to fake it pretty well. And I’ve learned that when my own impatience gets the better of me, it’s time to take out the mallet and whack that problem until it disappears—for a little while, at least.

As you continue on your parenting journey, take a moment to appreciate yourself. No, you’re not perfect; no one is. Yes, you keep wrestling with that same irritating challenge; everyone else does, too, until that challenge fades away and another pops up to take its place. First it’s sleeping through the night and toilet training; then it’s sibling rivalry, homework, and setting limits. Take time this evening to catch your breath, to hug your child, and to smile at yourself in the mirror. As long as you’re willing to keep doing your best to be a “good enough” parent, you and your children will be just fine.

Cheryl Erwin is the co-author of several books in the “Positive Discipline” series, as well as the “Everything Parent’s Guide to Raising Boys.” She is a marriage and family therapist in private practice in Reno, Nevada, and has a weekly commentary on parenting on KUNR (88.7 FM), www.kunr.org.

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